I Feel Like A House Elf
Let me just start off by saying that I would like, more than anything, to just be a housewife. There was a time where I thought "housewife" was such an old fashioned thing, and that I wanted to go out into the world and make a career for myself. Well, I did that. And it was fun for a while. But these days, I really enjoy my days off. Days where I get to clean and wash things and shop and cook. Cook!! Oh my lord how I miss having the free time to just cook.

It might sound dumb wanting to stay home to clean and cook all day, and maybe it is. But I like those times when I can be a housewife, and have my husband come home and I can serve him a meal I worked on all day. And I can sit down and eat it with him.

And days at home aren't just about housewifing it. It's also about time for me. Time to be home alone, in the quiet, and do yoga or go running or watch a movie and sew or just sit and brush my cats. I would love to have time to donate to a good organization like No More Homeless Pets or Boys and Girls club or whatever. Or to have time to work on my photography and start that vegetable garden I have been wanting.

Working full time (in retail) prevents all of the above from occuring more than once or twice a week. And right now, that just isn't enough for me. I'm tired of having to cram it all in, and having to end up sacrificing some things in order to get other things done. Or having to wake up at 5am and go until bed time to get all of it done.

But, unfortunately, I need to work full time in order for us to make it. It's just the way things are. I know I need to just accept it, but I am having a harder and harder time with that lately. It's hard trying to do it all...trying to run a household and work and find time to be with friends and time for myself. It's really hard and I am very very worn out.

The only problem is, I can't see a solution. I can't cut back my working hours, we need the income. And there really aren't any expenses to give up. Perhaps one or two, but not enough that would make it so that I could cut back at work. So I feel like I am trapped. Trapped like a rat and I can't get out. And it's a terrible feeling. It's draining the life out of me and I can see myself slipping. I am so tired all the time and I am extremely forgetful which is not like me at all. I just don't feel like myself, and I kinda want myself back.


Most of the time, I can just muttle through the days and try to make the most of the time off I get. I try to be cheery with patients and with coworkers, because sometimes if you just act positive, you will start feeling positive. But some days, like today, it all becomes too much. I try to not let it get to me. I realize that life isn't fair and that I just have to make the best of what I have. Complaining does no good. I don't like to be a whiner, or one of those people who is always bitching about something. And I certainly don't want anyone to feel sorry for me. I want to be a positive, happy person that other people like to be around. I realize that I don't have a "bad" life and that there could be much worse things than having too much to do. But I can't help that it's really wearing on me. I know what I want to do with my life right now, and knowing I can't do it is frustrating as all hell.

It doesn't help that we don't know where Nick is going to be employed or by whom or when this job change is going to happen. And we don't know if he's even going to have insurance or not. They tell us just enough to make us worry, and that they're "working" on the details. Maybe they could have told us after they had the details, rather than leaving us hanging in the limbo of the unknown. Geniuses.